Finished reading Psalm 119, interesting chapter in the Bible; supposedly it's the longest chapter and it's numbered in Hebrew which I just researched last night. Not sure why but it's something to explore or think about while I'm bored at work. My music selection this week is dominated by Fleetwood Mac. I'm just in a Fleetwood Mac mood. You ever get those kind of cravings for a particular artist and so you listen to them for awhile and then you get tired of them and move on. Well, maybe not but right now I'm in the Fleetwood Mac craving. They're interesting bunch; something to write about in a future blog. I took my brother off "My Peeps" list upon his request, I didn't reject him from my "peeps" group. He just hates sentimental stuff, or deep stuff, personal stuff whatever you want to call it. Doesn't mean he's shallow just never has liked talking about it. Work is still going, 10 hour days, the usual. But let's get down to business. The fork in the road....well, I feel that God is placing several of these in my life right now, choices I have to make. In an earlier blog I had written about not wanting to care as much for people anymore, that it is useless and unfruitful, and how life would be so much better without it. One train of thought that brought about this desire to not care was that whatever I did, anything I said, whenever I tried to help, whenever I was trying to be there for you didn't help, made the situation worse, had no effect so and so forth. Basically, I don't have an impact on other people's lives, God is not using me to help anyone, and I'm not needed. It's fine though, that's just life. So in response I stopped trying, stopped caring. I think not having a "Christian community" has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it would. That's another factor for this change in thought.
I mean, look at all the Christians in the world that don't care a lot about others and their lives seem to be better that way, or at least that what it looks like to my friends and certain family members down here in hickville. I have to admit, life has been easier, less draining, and more fun. I'm having a great time hanging out with my family and friends not caring a lot and life is awesome.....but something feels wrong about it, something is amiss and ah, you guessed it, it's caring. I really don't know why I make a big deal about it, why this has been on my mind for the past month and a half, why this is bothering me so much. But I believe God is doing something here to have a lasting effect. Being spiritually alone, not having a community nor friends where you can talk about these things, has really made me dependent on God. It's extremely hard and can make a guy feel alone but maybe that's what I need to go through right now to prepare me for the future. I don't know. Maybe this caring dispute, which ever road I take, is suppose to shape me into someone that God can use...I have no flippin idea. But I do know this a choice of mine, a choice I had come across before this past school year, a choice of life........
Well God, You have made it plain enough to see what the right choice is and well, fine. I chose to care then. I'll continue pursuing, continue caring. So I may have no impact on anyone's life, I may not be needed, I may not be worth something but I know that you have given me this "spiritual gift" to serve you and if that doesn't help anyone down here or have an impact or help anyone at least I know that I am serving you in doing so. Who knows, maybe I'm worth something more than I realize. Only God can tell. Man, I'm hungry....alright I'm out.
