Ticket

This past weekend I went to Norfolk with some old track guys to move some stuff into the house and for them to go to Busch Gardens and the Beach since two of them have never been to Busch, the other two last went a long time ago and all four of them rarely ever get to go to Busch or the beach. So I offered my house for them to stay in so we could go to both. Anyways, that story will be for another blog, on the way back I was leading our caravan of two cars on 81 south. I was just crossing the summit of a hill and going down it when I notice on my left a car just parked on the "Authorized vehicles" driveway thing and I made eye contact with the guy inside who just stared as I passed. Yup, you guessed it, uncover cop. Two seconds later I see him pull out, put on his lights and pursues me. By that time the car following me moved over to the right lane, as did I, hoping beyond belief the officer was going for the guy ahead of me but knew deep down that I was screwed. Yup, he caught up so I pull over and he does the whole get the hat on, walks over and asks why I was going 79 on a 65 highway. Then the procedure started with the whole license taking and report filing and ticket handing. He was very nice and joked around a bit and made it quick which I was grateful for. That and for not giving me reckless when I really was going around 81 not 79.

I deserve it, no doubt about that. Honestly, my driving was getting out of hand anyways, usually going 80+ on highways while driving long distances. Ask Andrew and Doug how fast I was going while driving to Rockbridge, they'll tell you it was ridicules. Oh and I had become one of the very people that I had laughed at while driving up to Norfolk, you know the ones that speed really fast and then you see them pulled over. Yup, that is me now. Now you're probably thinking what are you whining about? So what, you got a ticket, no big deal. You pansy, just suck it up. Well if you thought those things, thanks..sorry I'm not as "tough"as you. Yeah, call me pansy, so what, it sucked, i was shaken up a bit, got screamed at when i got home and now might lose the car for good due to parental discipline which would then screw up everything at school and a job and that crap and paying for car insurance. So it is a big deal to me plus, it's my first one. Now I can compare my ticket with my sisters' tickets although Kelly has me beat big time. But what was cool that happened was the reaction of the friends. Stephen and Matt were in the car with me and we just joked the whole time afterwards about it and what could have happened or funny things to say to the officer and stuff like that which lighten the mood a lot and made the ride home very enjoyable. The other thing was the other car that was following me saw that I got pulled over and kept going. Well, Nate called and asked how I was doing and asked how it went and advice on how to drop it by taking some class, which was really comforting. Now I'm not really close to these guys, never thought I would see them again after high school and honestly, sometimes, had no interest too. It was just cool how they reacted to it. Made me feel a lot better and get prepared for the hell at home. This weekend was really fun which I'll cover in the next blog because I realized something while hanging out with them that really has me thoughtful or unsettled but anyways, that was the event of the evening. I'm a terrible driver, almost got into two accidents this weekend, one which would have killed my friends but more on that later....I'm tired and need to pray, big time.

Shark Attack

Let's keep it simple; work was awful and the manager was this great white. Shark attacking everyone in eyesight. Yes, shark attacking, not just attacking but huge, monstrous shark attacking that cleaves you in half. I just love Wendy's. I think it's shark week on the Discovery channel. I like watching shark week. It's interesting to learn about the biggest predator of the ocean; the T-rex of the sea. You could almost argue that sharks are just misunderstood, to a point. Think of shark attacks like this; sharks are curious creatures. They see me and you, land creatures, trying to become sea creatures by splashing around in the water making lots of noise and bringing tons of attention. Naturally, a shark becomes curious. Hmmm, what is this odd looking thing doing in my ocean, splashing around and disturbing the peace. On that thought you could almost say that sharks are the ocean's police; protecting the ocean and keeping the peace by biting you and me so that we stay out of the ocean; thus, protecting everything else in it. Back to the shark's thoughts. So, let's check this thing out. Hmmm, I don't have hands, what can I use to see what this thing is. My eyes suck, my fins are too short, and my nose just tells me that it smells "unnatural" to the water. Ahhhhaa! my mouth! I use my mouth for everything and trust it's abilities. My mouth shall tell me what this bubbling buffoon is. Chomp! Scream! Splash! Blood! = Shark attack. Wow, that was interesting. Definitely not a fish nor anything I've had before. So the shark moves on with his curiosity satisfied. Now the human side of the story is completely different. Here, this killer, came swimming up to an unsuspecting, harmless and innocent human being and randomly attacked him or her ( you fill in the blank) for no reason! Causing severe physical damage and psychological damage that will take years to recover. Not only that but this person will probably never step into the ocean ever again more or less a pool or any other body of water. So you see one shark's curiosity becomes one person's nightmare. One thing's justification is another's damaging attribute. There are two sides of every story. Except God's story, there's only one side to that and that's His side because when you chose to be on God's side, His story becomes yours and there is no longer two sides to every story. The question isn't if it is right or wrong, you already know the answer to that, it's if you are on His side or your own side. Are you apart of God's story or your own? Are you curious or just being attacked? I hope I don't get attacked by a shark but if I did I would be attacked while saving someone, you know go down in nice style that way when I get to Heaven I can be like, " God, I just saved my friends from this monstrous shark that cleaved me in half but it's okay, they're safe and have more time to get to know you. I did hurt at first and then I came here and it's all better."

Beach Trip

This past weekend was awesome! The work week is not so much but Jonathan is closing tonight and when he closes it's a lot more fun, him and CJ make work fun...or at least tolerable. So that's a good thing. It's weird how some people you act differently around; you act more yourself around certain people than others. I guess that has to do with how comfortable you are with those certain people and how well you know them or you're just a two-face, double standard, butt hole liar but I don't think so. I just think or know from personal experience that some friends you don't have to put up any walls and you can just be yourself while others you have to put up some walls in certain aspects of you life because, God forbid, that they see who you really are and reject you. Rejection is bad and should be avoided at all costs. Or should it? Or should we just not care what others think about us and just be the person that God has created us to be and be rejected left and right? hmmm....

So I'm going to Norfolk for the weekend. The plan is to go to Busch and the Beach since these guys never get to do either and so I was like, hey I have a house just bring food money and gas money and we'll go. So it's good for them....me though, not really looking forward to it. Why? one of my friends invited some of his friends who I know but don't necessarily "enjoy" to be around but it will be fun for them so that's good. oh, and me, I always enjoy going to Busch gardens.

Cinnamon Rolls

The cake turned out great and there is some for the Guest too; so he'll be pretty happy. It tastes amazing; it's rich but still, makes your mouth explode in happiness when you take a bite. The one down side is that it never lasts beyond 3 days but eh, it's just that good. My next cooking desire is the bake my infamous cinnamon rolls. Yes, infamous. Infamous among anyone who's had them, specifically my family and the random company we have. See my mom likes to show off a little and so she has me make cinnamon rolls whenever she has friends over that stay the night or something of that sort. I also like making them because they're so freaking tastey, gooey, and just wonder all over, it makes my mouth water just thinking it. That and I'm hungry right now but still, their amazing. More amazing than the my Chocolate cake. Now, this probably sounds arrogant and one thing I'm not is arrogant except for a few things like running, ping pong, and making these. I made them when the ski trip people came to my house for the night and they can vouch that they're awesome. But I'm making them either Saturday or Sunday morning and can't wait to eat them.

Just want to give a shout out to my Grandma who just accepted Christ in her life last week which is so freaking amazing which has been a prayer of our family's for a long time now. Now to just get the rest of the extended family to realize it's a better life.....

I got paid two compliments last night at work (note: I'm not trying to boast or show how great I am, I'm making a point) which came completely out of the blue and turning a time when I was getting really frustrated at another co-worker who was talking crap behind my back but whatever. One co-worker asked when I was going back to school and we started talking about that and "I was like I want you to go back to school too so that you can get a better job than this"
(that is one of my goals while working there, encourage them to get better jobs and make them laugh, my brother helps me with the laughing part. Man, we're together at work we just get the whole place rolling but again, not boasting just proving a point) And out of the blue she was like "I'm going to miss you when you leave, I like working with you. You make it fun" and I was just surprised and stood there with my mouth open. I was not expecting that at all. Then from my manager, who is the really cool one and we've had some conversations about God and life and such, said, "I look forward to coming to work when I'm working with you and Jonathan(which is my brother)." Dang, what the heck? No way do I deserve such compliments. God, what is this? My point is, is that while working at Wendy's I didn't think I had an impact on other people, that my actions or character or who God made me had an affect on others for the better and last night I was proved wrong....twice. I mean being back here I haven't felt like I have had much of an impact on any one which is fine but man, me having an impact at Wendy's? I never saw it coming but apparently God had other plans. We have more of an impact on other people's lives than we realize, for good or bad. Especially as Christians though, just by being a Christian you are having an impact on other's lives or witnessing through example even if you never talk about God once. Christ changes your heart in such a way that your character is unlike everyone else that does not know Christ, people notice this change, they notice that something is different about you than the "rest of them" and in this case it was a nice difference, one that they enjoyed being around and that is something that I am glad I could offer them in such a crappy work environment such as Wendy's. So be an impact, be a change that makes the difference even if it is just one person; you can make a world of difference. later yo, Guest time.

CHOCOLATE CAKE

One word: Ecstasy. No, not the drug. The rapturous delight you will receive when you eat this cake. Take one bite and you will be transported to a state of sudden emotion; of sudden exaltation and intense feeling. Basically, it is really, really good. And I'm making it today so I can eat it. Overall I have been cooking a lot, mostly desserts and breakfast foods. I did make dinner for my brother and I because my rents were out of town so I made some simply spaghetti. I started boiling the water and opened the spaghetti box and left it on the counter. Being the clever person I am I turn to get something and knock the whole box of uncooked spaghetti noodles all over the kitchen floor which is dirty. Being the conservative person I am I decided not to waste such a great amount of food and figured the hot, boiling water would kill all the germs so I scoop up all the noodles and throw it into the pot. I cook everything fine and the sauce was made without a problem and I served it to my brother who starts eating it and well, surprise!! There's tons of hairs and other junk from the floor in his spaghetti. He later jokes that our house isn't Wendy's and that I shouldn't use the same, hmm, technique I do at Wendy's at home. Mine was fine, I didn't find one hair or anything...whatever. I'm a really good cook, I promise, when it comes to desserts, breads, and breakfasts foods. So I'm making my cake today because I want to eat it. When I annouced my plans, which I have to do in my Mom's kitchen, my dad got really excited ( he'll eat anything I'll make, helps my self-esteem ;) Hopefully there will be some leftovers for the Guest I'm having this weekend but that will be cutting it really close: this thing goes real fast. Alright, I'm off to make it. You should make one too; it's really good. Oh definitely cook to some good music otherwise it won't be as fun. I got some new music from my sister some include Shimmer- Fuel, Flagpole Sitta-Harvey Danger, The Kids Aren't Alright- The Offspring and Dave Matthews Band, is always fun to cook to, which are all upbeat and good cooking music. Give it a go.

One Mid-Summer Night's Eve...

It is 8:20 am on a beautiful, hot summer day here in Blacksburg, Virginia. I haven't woke up this early all summer but I'm about to go run up a mountain with a friend, so it's worth it. Last night I went on a Midnight run for the first time. I've gone on a 5 in the morning run before because it was the indoor season my senior year and we had to get 2 runs in one day, but a Midnight run is completely different. Firstly, you don't have the sun coming up so you can't see anything. Secondly, it's a lot cooler to run in the dead of night. Thirdly, you get people to stare out their windows because they think you're a thief or something. So why do it? Well, I needed to go on a run and I ran out of time to do it in the day. See yesterday was very busy. I woke up, ate breakfast, went to the movie and lunch with my brother, bought his b-day present, got home and hung out with Susanna, ate dinner, played this awesome video game with my brother's best friend and his older brother which is one of my good friends, made cookies which we ate before we baked, played more video games, then the friends went home and finally, I could go on my run. It was quite the adventure, running into complete blackness with a few stars to guide your path. My eyes completely suck and when I don't have my glasses I have to squint to see far away (you've probably seen this if you have hung out with me). But it's even worse at night and every little shadow looked like a trash can I was about to hit. But alas! I didn't hit anything and got to see one of the coolest night skies I have seen in awhile. Plus it was a lot cooler. The down side? Can't really get a tan from starlight although that would be cool to say you have starburn instead of sunburn. Although that sounds really nedry but whatever. So go on a Midnight run; maybe with a friend so you don't get scared because in pitch blackness you have no idea what's going to pop out at you.

Unexpected Fun

Today was a pretty fun day. This whole week my parents have been out of town, my sister moved to Fairfax, and my brother worked day shift while I worked night shift. All my friends also work day shift and two are in running camp so I haven't hung out with anyone really except myself. It's kind of nice to have that once in a while but I don't think I could live like that, I like people too much. So today was the first time I got to hang out with my brother all week so we went to go see this movie, on the right, because we had heard so much about it and we weren't paying for it (my mom left us money for the movie and lunch). So we went to the movie and ate at Red Robin afterwards where we always go....I guess it's a thing my brother and I have. This movie wasn't too bad. When I first heard that it was coming out I had no interest at all in seeing it and thought it was completely stupid. This just shows you how wrong first impressions can be. This movie, other than Ratatouille, was the best movie I've seen all summer. Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3 were both entertaining but completely underdeveloped, random, and disappointments especially with all the hype that this movies got. This movie, however, had a developed story so you know what's going on and is pretty action packed which is always fun. There are some political jokes scattered around but not to many to be offended by and there are some funny spots. There are a few lame lines in it and "I'm too cool for school" scenes but all in all it's very fun and entertaining. Also, this movie is the leading box office holder and apparently did better than both Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3. Pretty interesting. So if you have a few bucks and you have nothing to do, go see it. You'll have fun with it. Later

Relationships Part 2: True Friends

So we're created for relationships right? Not just with God and our families but with each other, you and I, me and the person down the street, you and the person sitting next to you, with strangers: which are basically people you don't know that aren't family related but have the potential to becoming closer than family. This part on relationships is about friendships, not just acquaintances or people you hang out with that are near you, but true friendships, friends that stick by you through thick and thin, friends that "love" each other. Whoa, hold on there, "love" each other? Isn't that kind of gay? That is the number one response you will get when you say you love your friend, well if you're a guy and you say you love your guy friend. I mean right now you're probably thinking this is gay talk. But it's not, it's something entirely different, entirely biblical, and entirely forgotten by this world. God wants us to have true friendships with each other, whether it be from 10 to only 4 people, He wants us to have these relationships with each other because it is how we grow in Him, it is how we are encouraged, it is how we are loved. To really open up to people, to be able to be vulnerable about your problems to someone without them turning their back, and having them care and look out for you is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. It is also comforting to know that you have someone there that is always going to be there for you, that is also going to help you or just laugh with you, to have someone love you in a sisterly and brotherly kind of way; in a Godly way. There are numerous examples such as the friendships of the 12 disciples, Moses and Aaron, Jesus and everyone he met, Lazarus and Jesus, Paul and Timothy, David and Jonathan. The friendship I'll be focusing on today is David and Jonathan's.

There friendship can be found in 1 Samuel 18-31. David, is Jesse's son, a Shepard's son. Someone who did not have a lot of wealth nor status. Jonathan was Saul's son, the Prince of all Israel someone of great wealth and status. They first met in Chapter 18 right after David slays Goliath, the infamous bible story. I think this is one is just as awesome. Now it says in Chapter 18 verse 1, "Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." Whoa, talk about close. That was this says they became close that "Jonathan loved him as his own soul". Now I bet it took a lot to time for them to get that close but it doesn't really say how long, but I don't think that part matters. The main point is that theses guys loved each other and were the best of friends, true friends to one another. The story continues with Israel still at war with the Philistines with both David and Jonathan fighting under Saul's banner. But due to David's expert war abilities and noble heart he gained favor among the Israelites and was reigned as a hero, more so than Saul, "Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands."- Chapter 18: 7. Now being the arrogant king Saul was he became of jealous of David, to the point that he wanted to kill David. Now there are several messages in this story you can take out of it like the danger of jealous, coveting something that is not yours, arrogance can lead to harm, etc. but I'm focusing on the relationships of Jonathan and David. So, Saul sought out to kill David, first tried to bribe him but now sought to kill him. Now Jonathan stood by his friend seeing that his father has become evil and was no longer with the Lord. He risked his own life to save his friend's. He helped David escape to Philistine so that David may live. Now here is what is said about their goodbye, because they would never see each other again alive, "As soon as the lad had gone, David arose from a place toward the south, fell on his face to the ground, and bowed down three times. And they kissed one another; and they wept together, but David more so." Chapter 20:41 Now I don't think I would kiss any of my friends but back then it was custom to do so, same with the bowing thing. But they wept together. These guys were never going to see each other and they were closer than brothers so they wept, they were in despair. I mean, their friendship meant so much to them that it caused a wave of tears to come down. That's the kind of true friendship that we were meant to have. Maybe not cry in front of one another but it is definitely close, and emotional. The story goes on, it's very interesting, but the last point I want to make is that Saul and Jonathan die together in war against the Philistines who is then defeated by David later on. But when David had learned of his friend's death he mourned, all of Israel mourned for a long period of time. It was like losing a part of yourself. It's a great story of love and friendship, and I encourage you to read it.

So David and Jonathan loved each other like they were family. In this case they were closer than family. Does that mean true friendship replace family ones? No, it is something completely different and just as fulfilling. I never knew what it was like to have "true friendships" nor what it was like to be close to anyone like I was with my family. As displayed in my other post, I'm really close to my family and didn't need anything else. Well, I was wrong, dead wrong. I didn't know what it was like to be close to someone, to be loved and cared for someone that wasn't a family member. It's great though to have that, to have true friends there to just have fun with, to grow in Christ with and to be there when I'm struggling. I thank God for both my family relationships and my true friendships. I have grown in Him through both, so much. I can't imagine living any other way. So, here's what I'm saying to you. It's okay to be personal with someone, it's okay to be close to someone, to be vulnerable in front of your friend. It's okay to open up to them because what you will gain is a true friendship one that is like David and Jonathan's one that is of love, support, fun: is of God. It's incredibly rewarding and fulfilling to have that.

Relationships Part 1: Family

This picture makes me laugh almost every time I see it. These beautiful young ladies are my two older sisters. Both are married, so sorry fellas. Kasey is the eldest of us four kids and is the one doing the dirtying. Kelly is the second oldest and is the one being dirtied upon. This was at my high school graduation party last year. It's interesting to look back and see where everyone was in there life back then and see how much they have changed and they way my family has changed. But first a brief history. Mom and Dad met and got married. Kasey was born in San Diego, California. Kelly was next in Washington D.C. about 7 years later. Next came me in Cape May, New Jersey about 3 years later. Lastly came Jonathan, also in Cape May New Jersey, about 2 years later. So we're all pretty close in age except for Kasey. We moved around a lot due to my Dad's job, being an officer in the Coast Guard for about 25-30 years, can't quite remember. Because we moved around a lot it made our family extremely close. We all made friends whenever we went but they were never as close as we were to each other. And that is still true today; to a point but that will be covered in Part 2 when I write it tomorrow. We, like any other loving family, do have our arguments and fights but they never last so long that we never stop talking to each other; I have friends where this has happened, where they don't talk to certain members of their families because of a fight in the past or something like that. But we can always have fun together. Always. It's extremely rare for all 6 of us to be together in one place though. We all live in different places, living in the different lives we have so it's a big deal when us 6 can get together.

Well, this weekend I hung out with my two sisters and my mom a lot. When I'm home I always hang out with Jonathan so that's nothing special. But it was awesome to be around my two oldest sisters together, especially now because one has a beautiful daughter who is the funniest and cutest baby I have ever seen. Yeah, call me biased, whatever. If you saw what she did you would agree, you know it. Anyways, my sisters and my mom wanted to go see Evenings, that new chick flick about sisters and their dying/crazy mother (i didn't like it at all, don't see it. Only went cuz they wanted too and it was free for me). But before we did that we had some lunch and my niece was getting fussy because she was tired. So I put on some music, happened to be Dave Matthews Band, held my niece and started to sing/dance with her. Not only that my other two sisters started dancing too and then my mom joined in and we had this awesome Dave Matthews dance party, kinda. It was one of the most fun times I've had all summer...it was hilarious and we were all just laughing and having a good time. My niece gave a few smiles as well.

The point of this story is that in this age family is not taken at seriously as it should, nor is it valued like it should be. 60% of marriages end in divorce. Kids are beaten, harassed, and molested by their parents and/or siblings. Families are broken up and torn apart. Siblings hate each other. Family members kill each other over money, sex, drama, you name it, it happens. Just watch the news, you'll see it. It's disgusting. It's awful. I hate it. I love my family to the ends of the earth and can't imagine living in any other kind. I use to regret what my family has been through, moving around a lot and more, but now I'm actually glad. Glad because every single one of us is close to the other, there for one another, and we love one another. Something you don't see in this world too often. I have several friends who hate their families, or feel like their family hates them or dislikes them or whatever, and that just makes me want them to have the kind of family I have. I mean there are tons of loving families who are close to one another and love each other but there are more families who do not. I just wish people took Jesus more seriously when he said honor your Mother and Father, and love your brother and sister. We were created for relationships; first and foremost relationship with God. Secondly relationships with each other, from our family to our friends. So I encourage to have fun with your family, to get to know them if you don't, and to love them, the kind of love that shows.

Happy Late Fourth of July

Happy belated fourth my audience. I hope you had a great day of remembering what this country and it's servants have been through to let you be able to live the way you live. I hope you celebrated in the classic American tradition through the consumption of burgers and hotdogs, with beer to drink (the 4th is the highest day of alcohol consumption....really reflects what our culture is all about), the seeing of fireworks, and just having a good time even though half of this country doesn't even realize what happened yesterday nor the severity of the situation. Our founding fathers committed high treason, which would have resulted in hanging, having their entrails cut out and burned and other assorted punishments. Our most patriotic of figures were actually the most treacherous of traitors. Anyways, thanks dudes and every person who has served this country, for putting your lives on the line so I can live in the best country in the world. I had to work my 10 hours shift, but at least I got to hear some of the booms from the fireworks. Lets me know there is life outside of Wendys.

The hippies in the top left hand corner is Fleetwood Mac; the group I'm in the music craving for and the group I've been listening to non-stop these past 3 days. They're an interesting bunch, but first introductions. It goes from left to right, Lindsey Buckingham, Mick Fleetwood, Christine McVie, John McVie, and Stevie Nicks. I didn't memorize the names, I looked them up. They actually started in London in July of 1967. Their has been so many change ups of band members it would take forever to list them all. But essentially the members you see in the picture are the members known as Fleetwood Mac making the band extremely popular and famous in between 1975-1987. They have sold over 100 million copies of their albums making them part of the "list of best-selling artist". After several band break ups and re-formations the band moved to California searching for a replacement to one of their lead singers who had left the band. Lo and behold they stumble upon Stevie Nicks and the band starts to become popular (1975). The band hits huge success with songs like Over My Head, Rhiannon, Say You Love Me, and Landslide. Several years later, on a different album, Go Your Own Way, Dreams, Don't Stop, You Make Loving Fun, Gold Dust Woman, and The Chain were created and produced top spots on song charts across America. Several other albums were created in between their success years of 1975-1987 including Mirage and Tango in the Night. Several of my favorite songs a included in these ablums. Their music genre started off as blues to blues rock to rock which was when they started to gaining success. Nowadays the band is still together but not really producing anything although they did just release another ablum about 3 years ago.

So how did I start liking them even though their main fan base is about 30-40 years older than me? My Dad. Whenever the family went on road trips (usually to Florida) or visit our grandparents or beach trips or whenever we got in the car to go somewhere far, he would listen to them. These songs would always produce childhood memories and fun times we the family had. So thanks Dad, for getting me hooked on Fleetwood. Whose upbeat songs and tempos I throughly enjoy.

Left or Right?

Finished reading Psalm 119, interesting chapter in the Bible; supposedly it's the longest chapter and it's numbered in Hebrew which I just researched last night. Not sure why but it's something to explore or think about while I'm bored at work. My music selection this week is dominated by Fleetwood Mac. I'm just in a Fleetwood Mac mood. You ever get those kind of cravings for a particular artist and so you listen to them for awhile and then you get tired of them and move on. Well, maybe not but right now I'm in the Fleetwood Mac craving. They're interesting bunch; something to write about in a future blog. I took my brother off "My Peeps" list upon his request, I didn't reject him from my "peeps" group. He just hates sentimental stuff, or deep stuff, personal stuff whatever you want to call it. Doesn't mean he's shallow just never has liked talking about it. Work is still going, 10 hour days, the usual. But let's get down to business. The fork in the road....well, I feel that God is placing several of these in my life right now, choices I have to make. In an earlier blog I had written about not wanting to care as much for people anymore, that it is useless and unfruitful, and how life would be so much better without it. One train of thought that brought about this desire to not care was that whatever I did, anything I said, whenever I tried to help, whenever I was trying to be there for you didn't help, made the situation worse, had no effect so and so forth. Basically, I don't have an impact on other people's lives, God is not using me to help anyone, and I'm not needed. It's fine though, that's just life. So in response I stopped trying, stopped caring. I think not having a "Christian community" has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it would. That's another factor for this change in thought.

I mean, look at all the Christians in the world that don't care a lot about others and their lives seem to be better that way, or at least that what it looks like to my friends and certain family members down here in hickville. I have to admit, life has been easier, less draining, and more fun. I'm having a great time hanging out with my family and friends not caring a lot and life is awesome.....but something feels wrong about it, something is amiss and ah, you guessed it, it's caring. I really don't know why I make a big deal about it, why this has been on my mind for the past month and a half, why this is bothering me so much. But I believe God is doing something here to have a lasting effect. Being spiritually alone, not having a community nor friends where you can talk about these things, has really made me dependent on God. It's extremely hard and can make a guy feel alone but maybe that's what I need to go through right now to prepare me for the future. I don't know. Maybe this caring dispute, which ever road I take, is suppose to shape me into someone that God can use...I have no flippin idea. But I do know this a choice of mine, a choice I had come across before this past school year, a choice of life........

Well God, You have made it plain enough to see what the right choice is and well, fine. I chose to care then. I'll continue pursuing, continue caring. So I may have no impact on anyone's life, I may not be needed, I may not be worth something but I know that you have given me this "spiritual gift" to serve you and if that doesn't help anyone down here or have an impact or help anyone at least I know that I am serving you in doing so. Who knows, maybe I'm worth something more than I realize. Only God can tell. Man, I'm hungry....alright I'm out.